I never dreamed of dresses

I dreamed of throwing away my dresses

all the dresses my mom dressed me in

while I pursed my lips

she knew I wanted to be a boy

why did it take me so long to figure that out?

I dream of you finally seeing me as a boy

of suits and loafers

of asking my crushes out

but I’m too ashamed to say a word to them

a friend just taught me how to tie a tie

and I think about how many times

I’ll have to tie it to make up for lost time

the first time I shaved my legs

I didn’t know what to do with that razor

I shaved because I was told it was about time I make myself presentable

to the greedy eyes of men

men I didn’t give two shits about impressing

but I shaved anyway

I’m still learning to speak my truth

to look for signs when I’m lost

to ask the group of Albanian women if my bus just drove past me

and chase it down with 20 kilos on my back and 10 at my sides

because I’m still learning how to pack light

and dreaming of a world where we aren’t told who we are supposed to be

before we can figure that out for ourselves

a glass slipped from my hand and shattered all over my kitchen

I stand frozen

calculating my next move

frozen

like my writing practice after I lost my favorite pen

I sit here with a new pen

hovering over these pages

waiting for the familiar feeling of words spilling out of me to come forth

with the same conviction one has to make their grand entrance in this world

screaming on arrival

every last one of us

no idea what’s waiting for us in this life

but that’s the fun part

I get down on the kitchen floor to assess the situation

I sweep and vacuum and think

looks good, carry on

but I missed a piece

and it found its way into my foot

we can’t run from our messes

and we can’t clean up what we can’t see

what do you do with the flowers after you pick them?

maybe they enjoy the adventure you take them on

maybe you find comfort in a fellow rootless companion

maybe they miss their roots

two rootless flowers, wandering around town

but what of the flowers left behind?

desired but not claimed

flirted with but not chosen

and definitely lost

longing for home

something getting harder to define day by day

I’m wearing dirty socks and have one pair of clean underwear left

because I tried to pack light

I’m seeing an old friend tomorrow

I’m low on cash

I’m seeing a complicated friend tomorrow

but today I’m wondering

how are the gardens back in Amsterdam

how is the garden cat, Max

I think it's enough to just be there with him resting in my lap

It's been a while since I called my mom

fathers day is right around the corner

my father has been right around the corner my whole life

but he frightens me so I run the other way

wearing my father wound on one sleeve and my heart on the other

I crave another void space

maybe I could find my elusive self there

because I can’t hear him over this music

I crave roots

and a fresh start

but then I remember every day is a fresh start

so maybe I can have it all

I live comfortably but still feel emptiness

I yearn for someone else's arms to fall into

because these arms grow weary

do I have to make something of this life or could I simply live it?

all I want in this life is

not much really

but desire is elusive

like walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there

what would happen if I stopped trying so hard to fix everything

and by that I mean stopped seeing everything as something that could be fixed

myself, especially

I’m tired of feeling restless but no matter how much rest I give myself, there it is!

no one told me the hero’s journey would be so

lonely

destiny and fate are two sides of the same coin

but fuck capitalism

I want to be …

hmm thats a tough one

the first love letter I wrote to you, I borrowed words

because I hadn’t found mine yet

whatever words I do lay claim to

I’ll own much like I own this body

and by own I mean borrow

but I’ll play along

so you’re a beautiful rule breaking moth

and the girl on fire

thanks Ann Perkins

thanks Alicia Keys

no matter who they’re borrowed from

no matter how far and wide

or long I search

for the words to convince you to see what I see here

I’ll always end up empty handed